Wednesday, June 26, 2019

The Unfillable Void

My most vivid memory of emotional pain was when I was three years old. I was wearing a white collar t-shirt, high rise, early 90’s style blue elastic shorts and orthopedic shoes. I was quiet, shy, reserved and highly sensitive. 

I didn’t want to get out of the car, I was scared. I finally got out of as a teacher held me by the arm. I remember standing there watching my dad drive away, terrified and I felt that knot on my throat - making noises as I began to uncontrollably cry. I felt a void. Something was missing. 

But that “something is missing” is a feeling that I’ve witnessed adults manifest. It’s never enough. Then something good may come along and you perfectly orchestrate an unconscious plan to sabotage any potential for something to cultivate - even if it’s a simple friendship or job opportunity. Anxiety leads to the idea that we can predict the future, and oftentimes it’s quite scary. We imagine the worst is going to happen when the truth is, probably none of those things are going to happen. 

Alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, gambling, sex and even food can be used as a temporary solution to feel whole. To feel serene. Unfortunately, creating an illusion of wholeness is trying to drink from an empty cup and pretending to quench your thirst, it’s a bandaid. 

I believe genuine happiness lies within, it is not something that can be authentically obtained by the dependance on a substance, a person or an act. 

It’s about looking at yourself in the mirror and practicing acceptance. It’s about letting go of grudges, resentment and anger. It’s about understanding that society has trained us to believe that we need something else other than our basic human needs. It is about silencing the external noises to listen to what’s really in your heart. It’s about being vulnerable while having the awareness that you are not the emotion you are feeling. It is about remembering to be grateful for what you have instead of being unhappy and frustrated over the things you lack. 

Love always,
Patricia





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