Saturday, June 13, 2020

Dark Room

“It’s like trying to walk through a dark room you’re unfamiliar with.”

“Did you make that up or did you get it from somewhere?”

“I made it up just now.”

“You should write about that.”

I was having a conversation with someone attempting to describe what it felt like to be paralyzed with anxiety. 

I’ve been vocal about mental illness - particularly depression and anxiety because they are the two demons that I’ve had to battle face to face for almost seventeen years.

I’m happy to report that as of today, I am free from all medications and have replaced them with daily meditation, exercise and a healthy diet. I have insidiously been haunted by depression and anxiety’s minute particles on certain occasions, and when not mindfully noted as unhealthy cognitive patterns stemmed from my past, they collect and build an unavoidable explosion. This form of displacement leads to fights with those I love, or I’ll simply isolate myself and completely disconnect from the world. The way we treat others is a mirror of how we treat ourselves. It’s much easier to ignore that what we see in others is a reflection of ourselves. Sometimes it’s too painful to admit that what we strongly dislike in others is what we deeply dislike about ourselves.

For the first time in months I am struggling - struggling to keep it together, struggling to not give in and relapse. Part of my pain has resurfaced from people around me unable to understand that this is not a state of mind I choose to be in. I guarantee you anyone who is suffering mentally isn’t choosing to do so. There is nothing fun about feeling this way. 

My mind can get so confusing to the point where the dim light fades and I’m back in that dark room I’m unfamiliar with.

Then it becomes hard to move.
Hard to decide which direction to take.
Hard to decide what to say because my own thoughts don’t even make sense.

I wish I could make you not only understand, but also believe that what I’m saying is true. Have you see below my skin, feel my blood rush quicker, feel my pulse accelerate, feel my chest tighten and my throat thicken with knots.

I’m paralyzed.
Not because I don’t want to move forward, but because I don’t know how. 

So if your friend, your spouse,partner or family member are having a hard time… just remember they may also be in a dark room they’re unfamiliar with. Not because they choose to, but because the lights have dimmed a little too much. 

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