Mental health: the things no one likes to talk about

I’m a 35-year old woman from Maracaibo, Venezuela. I immigrated to the United States in late 2014, but the US was always a second home. I was raised bilingual and went to an American School growing up. Got my bachelor's in Psychology in Venezuela and have remained “frozen” since moving. I would like to practice one day. 

It’s been a minute since I last wrote on this blog, especially about mental health — not to mention social media in general. In my opinion, it has changed too much and become overly-shallow. I always feel sad when I read news about another “influencer” committing suicide.

My old readers will know I have treatment resistant major depression and generalized anxiety, with some OCD and ADHD tendencies to throw to the mix. I was diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder two years ago. CPTSD differs from PTSD, though they share similar symptoms.

I wanted to share an update on my story because I know there are millions of people out there feeling similar things I’m feeling. Maybe it’s not you, but your sister, brother, mother, father, girlfriend, partner, etc., and you feel scared, confused and have no idea how to deal with it, so you just work on your shield. 

Let me tell you — the last 3 years of my life have been some of the most trying ones. I was in a relationship that seemed warm, innocuous and magnetic initially, but over time, there was gaslighting, there was control over what type of makeup I wore, not making room for spending time with my friends, and lots, lots of lies. 

Enter the world of porn addiction. Yes, I lost my ex to porn addiction. And kratom. 

The hardest part for me these last few years has been functioning in a society that is  rigid and completely lacks spaces, intellect in corporations and financial assistance linked to mental health. It’s very difficult to get a proper diagnosis and a proper treatment. Sometimes treatments fail (something I feel very cognizant of,)  and in the process we may experience very unpleasant and terrifying symptoms. The saddest part: when people around you don’t understand, don’t make the effort to understand, label, distance themselves or mock and gossip. I’ve seen people making fun of someone else having an episode at a public place, or maybe on social media, and I always think to myself, “God knows what he/she is going through, where reality is so frightening, it turns into a disorganized, scintillating chaos”. 

After trying multiple medications for major depression, I decided to try a newer form of treatment: esketamine. I had a total of 11 sessions. I was starting to notice major improvement until my treatment was dropped to once a week after week #4. It’s very difficult to find time for it because esketamine clinics aren’t usually open on the weekends. You cannot drive yourself to the location, drive back home or drive at all for the remainder of the day. Trying to get family or friends to take you is difficult, and Ubers add up quickly. I loved having two sessions per week though. I felt so much relief to not feel anything, anything at all. 

Then my body felt like it disintegrated again as if it were made out of sand and wisps of air touched it. Tapering off psychiatric medications isn’t easy (recently tapered off two different ones.)  It can be frightening and debilitating (I’ve had to take a leave of absence from work and no, I don’t get paid), and it physically hurts (my heart hurts). Your symptoms worsen, and you may even develop ones you didn’t have before. Chances are you will feel like you’re losing your mind and can’t function. Your prefrontal cortex shuts off and you can’t make proper decisions. You say things you don’t mean. You act fearful with a palpable, overstimulated amygdala. You’d rather be alone to prevent any damage. 

Most people don’t understand trauma. It literally changes the structure of your brain. It weakens synaptic activity. I’ve given up on trying to discuss it with others, even if they are people who are close to me. It’s like Bessel van der Kolk describes in The Body Keeps The Score, you feel stained after trauma. I knew I would never be the same after being verbally, psychologically and physically abused. I just knew it. How am I ever going to trust another man? How am I going to feel normal again? How long will these memories haunt me for? And I defended him. And I let him walk free. 

Then there’s the triggers. It can be a sound, the face of a person, the way someone looks at you or speaks to you, a smell. Your body reacts quicker than your brain. You enter fight or flight mode. Most people don’t know what fight I or flight is, and would probably think the person is “crazy” if he or she is panicking under an “unthreatening” environment (ex: panic attack.) 

I feel drained. I feel scared. I’m tired of losing people — although to be fair, anyone who rejects you, pushes you away or criticizes you due to a mental condition is someone you should not have in your life anyway. This is when you will discover who your real family is. 

I have to be honest though: having your own family members disconnect from you due to a depressive relapse/panic attack burns. It feels like it physically burns. 

I started taking Auvelity two days ago. My psychiatrist mentioned it as a backup plan if Spravato didn’t work for me, because it works similarly to ketamine. My only hope is to feel a sense of relief, normalcy and stability. To laugh again. 

As I have mentioned in previous blog posts (years ago when I used to write!), if someone in your life is suffering from mental health, try to be open-minded and educate yourself, try to understand that our brains are wired differently. There are some people that don’t want to get better or don’t care but some of us do, and we’re trying. We’re still here. 

I lost a second friend to suicide, Nick, back in 2022. 

Handsome, charming, smart, had a beautiful fiancée. He seemed to have everything people dream of, and yet his pain became too much and he ended his life. I think about him and Naty (my other friend who took her life away when she was 16, I was 17) everyday. Multiple times per day. 

There are a lot of people suffering, especially with everything going on in the world. So be kind to one another… 

With love,

Patricia Montenegro

09/29/24

 

Dark Room

“It’s like trying to walk through a dark room you’re unfamiliar with.”

“Did you make that up or did you get it from somewhere?”

“I made it up just now.”

“You should write about that.”

I was having a conversation with someone attempting to describe what it felt like to be paralyzed with anxiety. 

I’ve been vocal about mental illness - particularly depression and anxiety because they are the two demons that I’ve had to battle face to face for almost seventeen years.

I’m happy to report that as of today, I am free from all medications and have replaced them with daily meditation, exercise and a healthy diet. I have insidiously been haunted by depression and anxiety’s minute particles on certain occasions, and when not mindfully noted as unhealthy cognitive patterns stemmed from my past, they collect and build an unavoidable explosion. This form of displacement leads to fights with those I love, or I’ll simply isolate myself and completely disconnect from the world. The way we treat others is a mirror of how we treat ourselves. It’s much easier to ignore that what we see in others is a reflection of ourselves. Sometimes it’s too painful to admit that what we strongly dislike in others is what we deeply dislike about ourselves.

For the first time in months I am struggling - struggling to keep it together, struggling to not give in and relapse. Part of my pain has resurfaced from people around me unable to understand that this is not a state of mind I choose to be in. I guarantee you anyone who is suffering mentally isn’t choosing to do so. There is nothing fun about feeling this way. 

My mind can get so confusing to the point where the dim light fades and I’m back in that dark room I’m unfamiliar with.

Then it becomes hard to move.

Hard to decide which direction to take.

Hard to decide what to say because my own thoughts don’t even make sense.

I wish I could make you not only understand, but also believe that what I’m saying is true. Have you see below my skin, feel my blood rush quicker, feel my pulse accelerate, feel my chest tighten and my throat thicken with knots.

I’m paralyzed.

Not because I don’t want to move forward, but because I don’t know how. 

So if your friend, your spouse,partner or family member are having a hard time… just remember they may also be in a dark room they’re unfamiliar with. Not because they choose to, but because the lights have dimmed a little too much. 

Love yourself: a friendly reminder

Trust the process: a collective reminder.

If you had told me a year ago that today I’d be writing a post on fitness and wellness, I probably would have laughed at you. There were so many negative associations to that word in my world: untangling a distorted perception, healing it and recreating it.

Being active comes as a natural desire for some people, but I wasn’t one of them. I grew up in a culture where physical beauty was praised and having a few extra pounds was mockable. With hindsight, I created my own twisted perception of beauty: I thought I had to be a certain size to be beautiful. I also succumbed to thought patterns and behaviors of victimization. I didn’t want to admit I was making excuses. I didn’t recognize that the body requires motion to release energy and prevent it from becoming stagnant or transforming into something psychosomatic. I didn’t know the value and the array of the benefits that working out could offer. I completely overlooked the importance of building discipline, starting with actually being aware of what I was doing. 

Mindfulness: the foundation of it all. 

I realized that the more I focused on the activity I was executing, the better my performance was. I designed a routine that would be exciting for me, something I could look forward to and selected specific songs that made made me feel empowered. I stopped making excuses. I listened to my body. I began noticing a correlation between my mood and the amount of physical activity I did throughout the week. I paid attention to what I put in my body and made more conscientious decisions regarding my diet. I slept better, I felt better throughout the day and experienced less rumination. People started noticing not just the weight loss, but an overall change in the way that I looked. It would feel uncomfortable at first because I was never really at ease receiving compliments in the past. I worked with my relationship to self and reminded myself that these are reasons to celebrate and be proud of myself.

Self-love: the skyrocket. 

How can I take better care of myself?

What steps can I take right now to improve the way that I feel?

What can I do tomorrow that will help me become a better version of myself?

What is an action I can take to enhance my quality of life, physical and mental well-being? 

These are questions I started asking myself and everything led me to one thing: working out. 

And I started feeling better. 

The first thing I began noticing was my increase in energy and how easy it was to move around. Working out gave me something to look forward to where I could have fun by setting challenges. I started feeling more confident as I saw my body become more toned and defined. Now I’m at a point where I have my own personal goals, but it’s not about being a certain size or looking a certain way. It’s about challenging myself, it’s about honoring my body, it’s about respecting it and treating it the best way possible because that’s exactly what it deserves: to be loved, especially and most importantly by me. 

I feel like it is my duty to share this with you because it might inspire you, even though you already know working out is excellent. Perhaps there is something holding you back from going on that walk or run, that hike or that trip to the gym. Perhaps your relationship to self needs some re-visiting. I promise you one thing though, you will feel absolutely better afterwards and the feeling of accomplishment is going to be so rewarding, it will never feel like work. 

With love,

Patricia

Polar Vortex

“I missed you,” my soul whispered to yours as it felt its vibrations. I knew your presence would be idiosyncratic to my growth, but I had no idea you would hurt this much. It comforts me to know that only you got to see the depths of my darkness and that the whole world didn’t curl up to haunt me. A depressive episode that burst from a constricting environment - my body shivered as it prepared to witness the inevitable collision. So often you would lay your head on my chest to hear the noise inside my heart. You got me good. 

Narcissism, abandonment issues and a deep stain of rejection - all the hues in your voice’s inflection. I was afraid of you and yet sick of the fear, so I jumped in your sea of judgements without hesitation. I lost my dignity the second I let you walk over wounds and allowed you to place my light and my love below your reckless desire to repress anything you might feel. And I thought this night was cold - boy, nothing beats your chilling lack of compassion. 

Did you really happen? You felt like a moment, like the sound of the cars passing by. A recollection of distorted sensorial information, a maze of the nothingness inside your heart and a mental picture of your frigid eyes - all fading away. 

I've highlighted your shallowness, hypocrisy and heightened sense of intellect so I remember not to fall for the walking wounded.