Friday, May 16, 2014

On Dealing With Depression and Anxiety

Wait, what?

No, you didn't open the wrong link. Yep. This is my beauty blog. A blog that has been silent for some time. Though I had this post in mind for a long time, I hesitated on whether it was a good idea to expose myself or not. But then I thought to myself, "Why not? Someone might read these words and realize they're not alone or I might give someone that extra push to get help or perhaps understand someone in their life dealing with something similar."

Onto getting emotionally naked...


I was fourteen when I started experimenting extreme sadness. It was a different kind of sadness - not your average Oh I'm having a crappy day type of thing. 

On November 24, 2004, my close friend Nathalia committed suicide, a death which affected many. On January 2005 I came back from a trip with my mom and sister. My dad picked us up and he told my mom he had moved. I remember that evening we got home and I went into their room and all of his things were gone. I went into their bathroom and all of his things were gone. I remember locking myself in my bathroom crying for hours as my dad kept knocking the door asking me to come out. 

I lost a close friend and my parents separated. It was hard, very hard. I was fortunate to have two beautiful best friends in high school - one from Peru and the other one from Brazil (I went to an American school in Venezuela where there were many international kids, back in the good ol' days before Venezuela headed towards disaster). They tried so hard to cheer me up. One day they even sent a guy with beautiful flowers and then they surprised me by popping behind with confetti, balloons and music. They even glued those stars that shine in the dark on my ceiling. However, I remember I was numb to all of it. They felt impotent. Nothing would cheer me up. Still to this day, everytime I go to bed, I look up and think about them. 

I didn't seek professional help either. I spent many years wishing I could leave this world. I submerged myself in sadness and began to develop hate towards myself to the point where I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror for a couple of months, simply because I strongly disliked whom I saw. 

As my senior year approached, I told my parents I was going to med school just to please my dad (he's an ophthalmologist) even though deep inside I wanted to be a psychologist. Luckily I followed my heart and told them I would "study" psychology and I actually went for it despite lacking their support. 

On my second trimester of school I fell in love with my psychoanalysis class. The way my professor spoke about it was captivating, and there were many aspects about the theory itself that immediately made me realize I needed to go and speak to her after class.

The truth is, we all have problems. Psychoanalysts themselves have to have an analyst. Yes, even psychologists have problems. But I didn't see it that way back then. 

I spoke with my professor after class. I began going to therapy in January of 2008. 

Therapy transformed my life. Literally. I would not be here typing this had it not been for her and my current analyst. 

Six years later, I'm still attending to therapy. Yes, the stereotype is real - psychoanalysis is a long process, however, I can't picture my life without it. 

I fell in love that same year. I met a guy over the internet when I was 12 and we became very close friends. Over the years our friendship grew stronger and in May of 2009 I flew to the States  to meet him and his family. It was love at first sight. He came back the same year to Venezuela to meet my family. We would travel back and forth. In July of 2010 he asked me to marry him. I said yes. We eloped in November of 2011. Our relationship was a rocky one. I loved him and he loved me, but it was very hard for him to deal with my depression. Ironically, I was aware of the fact that I was pushing him away with my constant jealousy and relapses, but he didn't understand. He told me that depression was a choice. Well, depression isn't a choice. 

We divorced last year, 2013. He jumped into a serious relationship a month after we divorced. With a girl from his workplace. A girl he would talk to me about when we were married. That hurt. That hurt a lot. It hurt more than he will ever know.

Do I hate him? No. Do I feel resentful? No. Is he a bad person? No. I just cannot fathom how someone can jump from one relationship to another one so fast. And I also wish I had fallen in love as quick as he did.

A song that has become a frequent in my playlist is an oldie but a goodie: Where Have All The Cowboys Gone? by Paula Cole. I can relate to it 100%. I fear I'm never going to find someone who loves me and wants to be with me. Which I know, I know, is a stupid thought. But I think about it pretty frequently. 

I began buying makeup products and beauty products in general and I found that whenever I would play with eyeshadows and foundations, blushes and highlighters, I would zone out. My mind would forget everything and I would just.... paint? My face? I started sharing that more often on Instagram and I slowly saw my followers increase. Helping others is therapeutic for me. Doing my makeup is therapeutic for me. Massaging cleansing balms at night is therapeutic for me. And still to this day I get teary sometimes when women say to me I "inspire them" or I've "helped" them. I feel ashamed when anyone comments on a picture that I'm "perfect" because clearly, I'm not. No one is. 

On top of that, I have issues with my body. Last year, I went from a size 0 to a size 2 in a few months. No biggie. Then I went from a size 2 to a size 8 last year. 

I joined a gym earlier this year. A gym surrounded by people obsessed with their bodies. Women looking at others comparing themselves. Women counting their almonds before they ate them. Women looking at their watch to see how many calories they had burned. I got sick of it.

For two months I eliminated all sugar and carbs from my body. Huge mistake. I've gained most of the weight back.

Do I hate myself for it? No. Is there an ideal body weight? No. 

On top of that, Venezuela hit rock bottom. Watch this video

We are living very hard times. Oh, and I'm sure most of you won't know this: 

Venezuelans have a limited amount of money they can spend overseas. If you go to the States, for instance, to Florida, specifically, you get $700 per year (the government did that on purpose because there are tons of Venezuelans in Florida). If you go to any other state, you get $2000 per year. Yep.

That's why I don't do crazy hauls or giveaways. That's why I don't review the latest releases. Sorry. 

I was tossing and turning last night. It was 3am and I still couldn't fall asleep. I woke up and had to go to Uni, however after a fight with my mom I knew I had to go to therapy. And I walked out crying. 

I'm not going to vent about what's going on. All I'm trying to do is open up to you. If you are reading this and know someone with depression, know that it's a hard process to go through and it is not a choice. If you are reading this and have felt depressed, go get help.

There is this horrible stigma that people that seek help are weak, or that those who go to therapy are crazy. Bullshit. 

Bullshit. 

So now that you know all of this about me and if you are still reading this, all I can say is: Thank you. Thank you for reading me and thank you for being a part of my life. 

Love,
Patricia



3 comments:

  1. Patricia,
    it was so very brave of you to open up to us like this. seeking help does not make you weak - it makes you strong. you area always so supportive of others (it always warms my heart to see your comments on instagram and blog posts) and I'm glad you've found a therapeutic outlet in makeup. You are a kind, beautiful woman and I wish you the very best!
    Heather

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, Heather! I opened up because there is no reason to hide who I am, and neither should anyone. Thank you for being a big supporter! Much love,
      Patricia

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  2. I enjoyed reading this post, we all love makeup and have fun sharing our pictures and products but it is good to see the real person behind the blog, we are all human beings, and all have our ups and downs and you have given some great advice to people who are facing a difficult situation and can go through something similar. there is a huge stigma with seeking psychological help and I am happy that you feel a lot better and encourage others to do the same!!
    Besos! Maira.

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