Tuesday, March 15, 2016

A Visual Representation on Living with Depression and Anxiety

I don't know hardly anything about cameras, but I've always been a visual person and have enjoyed taking pictures of things, people, and pictures for other people. 

I have battled with depression since I was 14. I'm turning 27 in July. Is it something I am proud to speak about? No. Am I ashamed of some of the things I've done and said? Yes. Do I think I or you (if you have depression or anxiety) should be ashamed of your condition? No. Society makes us feel like it is "inappropriate" or even "weak" to speak about emotions, and the truth is, many people feel trapped or as if they are living two separate lives because speaking of your condition is simply not an alternative. 

I don't know exactly how to deal with myself, but I do know that if I speak about it, I might encourage others to speak about it. I know that if I try to show visual representations of what I feel on a daily basis, it might help those around me who do not understand what I'm going through.

The truth is, many people think mental illness is a lie. Many people think depression is a choice or a way to manipulate others or an excuse to shut down. It is NOT. 

Please feel free to share this post with your friends and loved ones, or anyone who you know is going through their own battle. This issue deserves more attention and awareness. It is real and it is a frightening condition. 

Break the stigma: there is such thing as psychosomatization.
Some people pull their hair, others pick to bleed. Your anxiety is translated into your body one way or another. 

Pills: A friendly reminder to stay "sane."
The first thing when I think when I wake up is "I need to take my anti-depressant", and I usually carry Xanax in my purse for any out-of-the-blue panic attack. To be honest, I still feel like shit and still to this day I wish there were a pill that could simply numb the pain. 

Sleeping more to not "be" in the real world.
This is a concept a lot of people around me have a hard time understanding. When I'm awake, I am able to think and I have a sense of awareness. When I'm asleep, I can (sometimes) rest from my own negative thoughts. Sadly though, I've been having a lot of nightmares, so I feel stress and pain even in my own dreams. 

To be completely honest, sometimes I feel like just sleeping all day. Wake up, and go back to sleep. 

Release is good.
Let it out. Cry. I usually like to cry by myself because I do not want to transmit my "negativity" or my "sadness" to others. I know I must deal with this alone. 

It is, however, draining. Very draining. 

You tend to feel broken and dull. Dry. 

Sometimes I panic during the day and feel like where I'm entering is somewhere I don't belong. 

I think I've always envied birds for their ability to fly and migrate. 
I wish I could fly and escape. 

You feel like life is being sucked out of you.
Just like when you're standing on shore and your feet get soaked but then the current takes the salty water and sand back to the ocean.

There are always external factors to depression.
I'm a proud Venezuelan. Venezuela is suffering. The media doesn't even show what is really going on, but trust me, it's sinking, and that sinks a part of me, too. 

As I was walking on the beach, I saw this cute little girl with the Venezuelan flag around her. Her parents let her pose for my project. Thank you, if you ever get to read this. 

You feel like a rubber band about to snap. 
That is when it usually gets scary for me. I can usually feel it coming.

(Thanks to the cool guy who posed for me and making this picture happen)

Depression comes in waves.
You may feel fantastic, capable and strong, and them boom. We fall. We do not choose to get relapses, they just come in waves. 

Dual Nature is a real thing. 

Think Fight Club or Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I am my own worst enemy. You have no idea when Mr. Hyde is going to make an appearance. 

The thought of having kids can be scary.
This might be hard for some to understand, but basically I do not want to pass along this illness. 

No one can save you, and we are aware of that.
Of course we know that unless we don't have the willpower to get better, we won't. This is a personal battle, and I am very well aware that there are many changes I need to make to my life and still many battles to go through. Without the dark, we cannot recognize the light.

Truth be told, sometimes I feel exactly like this. 

But I have hope. I have hope I will get up again the same way I've gotten up since I was 14.

I do wish people understood that sometimes we want to be alone. It is unpleasant for others to see our "dark side." 

I am a 26-year old female still in the process of blooming. 

And from the bottom of my heart, I am choosing to fight my demons to hopefully bloom into the best version of myself. 


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  2. Thank you for sharing Patricia ­čĺŤ

  3. Dios y la Virgencita de Coromoto te acompañen! No es fácil, pero aceptarlo es un GRAN paso... Recuerda que Dios nos pone la cruz que podemos cargar! Un beso grande de Venezolana a Venezolana